Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize