Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
