he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize