Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
