I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
