I hate your face
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
