Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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