i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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