He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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