My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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