thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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