She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
