Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
