Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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