I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Is it penis luge time yet?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize