you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
