new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
