conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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