I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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