I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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