Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
