girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
