It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
