You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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