I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
operation harelip BJ is a go
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
