the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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