he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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