if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't deserve a penis
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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