My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
