you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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