Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize