She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
