So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
