It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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