I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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