I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
ugly people sure do ruin things
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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