I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
