You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
