I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
