Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
