Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
