what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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