Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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