Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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