areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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