life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
