Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This baby is an asshole
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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