so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
