i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
