well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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