i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize