I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
where are you?
Hypothermia
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
