i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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