youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
