Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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