he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
