I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
