Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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